I’ll probably make every single one of my friends and family mad at me for this, but here goes…

Do you call yourself a Christian, a Jesus follower? This is intended for you.

To my friends and family members, who by your Social Media feed, one would think that Donald Trump was your savior. When reading your posts, it appears he can do no wrong. The majority of what you share is defending him and your political positions, or an attempt to discredit the other side of the argument.

And to my friends and family members, who on the other hand, by your posts, Trump is made equal to and guilty of the same monstrous crimes that Adolf Hitler committed. He seems to represent evil itself, and anyone that supports him or one of his policies is cold-hearted and shouldn’t call themselves a Christian. The majority of your posts are in outRAGE and attempt to discredit any disagreement of political views.

Who do you love more? Jesus or Trump? You say Jesus? Great! Then your Facebook feed should reflect that. Let the majority of your posts be about JESUS – either directly or indirectly! Basically, let your voice and platform be used to glorify HIM and not Trump. Post testimonies of God’s goodness, pictures of the family that he’s given you, things that will make people laugh, and feel like the load they carry is lessened when they read something you’ve posted. You want justice? Fight the Enemy that is not flesh and blood by LOVING people and spreading the JOY and PEACE God alone is capable of giving us during such tumultuous times. Do what you can to BE God’s hand of justice by fighting injustice in the community and world around you. Be gracious. Be generous. Be human. Be a glimmer of hope to people struggling to see any.

Who do you hate more? The Enemy of our Souls or Donald Trump? It kinda sounds like you hate Trump more, because you’re totally playing right into the hands and lies of the enemy by spreading fear and division. Use your voice and platform to display the beauty of God and the confidence we have in HIS sovereignty. We wrestle NOT against flesh and blood! You want to fight injustice?! Love the people around you – your husband or wife; your kids; the person who sees things totally different than you politically; the hurting people within your reach. It’s NOT the government’s job, it’s YOURS. Volunteer. Spread the JOY and PEACE He alone is capable of giving us during such tumultuous times. Encourage others with testimonies of God’s faithfulness to you personally, make people laugh and feel like they can be human around you because the burden of life is lightened by the Jesus in you.

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For

‘Whoever desires to love life

and see good days,

let him keep his tongue from evil

and his lips from speaking deceit; (including sharing faulty news)

let him turn away from evil and do good;

let him seek peace and pursue it.

For the eyes of the Lord are on the

righteous,

and his ears are open to their prayer.

But the face of the Lord is against those who

do evil.’

Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.”

– 1 Peter 3:8-17

Our country may have once been founded on “Christian” principles, but our government is NOT Christian. Last I checked, the United States of America is not a Theocracy. In Old Testament days, God set up Israel’s government as a Theocracy – He was intended to be their King. So those scriptures commanding Israel to take care of foreigners and refugees are intended for: 1) a theocratic government set up by God (where the foreigners actually convert to Israel’s God being their God) and 2) Christians.

I don’t believe that God has high expectations of our godless government to be righteous or to take care of aliens – that is a command for believers – individuals like you and me. Besides, there are examples of God being pretty darn unhappy when Israel got too comfortable with the foreigners and started worshiping the god’s of other lands, or entered into covenant unknowingly with a neighboring nation because they didn’t consult with God, and believe me – Israel paid a heavy price for all of the above! As Jesus-followers, the world likes to throw miscellaneous scriptures at us when it’s convenient for them. (Sadly, some “believers” do the same thing – abuse scripture to manipulate or excuse their poor behavior). They don’t actually want to believe all the scriptures or concepts in the Bible, nor do they want our nation to be “Christian.” It just comes in handy sometimes to pick and choose a few that they have no cultural or contextual background for to make a point that is completely unfounded with the heart and context of the rest of the Bible.

My parents are quite likely the greatest example to me of what it looks like to LIVE a life of caring for “foreigners” – or people needing a fresh start, some stability, and a healthy environment. Over the course of my short 20 years of being raised by them in their home, they took in:

Lopez Family (5)

Velasquez Family (4)

Rose family (3)

2 Marquez brothers

2 Chavira siblings

Sarah

Travis

Sterling

Demetrius

Guy

3 year long exchange students

and more!

These people lived with us at some point for a substantial amount of time. And most of them were invited into our 950 square foot home by my parents, who already had 7 kids of their own. Although deep and meaningful family relationships were created with the majority of people listed above, my parents were stolen from by a few, taken advantage of, accused of being “too preachy,” and once their car was taken for a joy ride and crashed by an underage driver. Most were never charged rent. It never stopped my parents from opening up their hearts and home to the next person or family who needed a fresh start.  Now, my parents would be ones who, I guarantee support this new Executive Order to put a hold on refugees for a period while we figure out how to vet them better, but there is no one I know who personally lives taking care of others better than my parents have done their whole lives. They put me to shame. They put the government’s social services to shame. Because they live by a higher standard than the government – they live by God’s laws and strive to have his heart for people.

I guess my point is to stop putting so much energy and expectation on a faulty system, in an imperfect human politician. Start putting your energy into loving God and the people he sent his Son to die for – that’s everyone in case you’re not picking up what I’m putting down. Jesus is not American, he’s not white, (he was very much Middle-Eastern) and he’s not any more thrilled with Trump than he was with Obama. He loves them both, because he created them both. Perhaps we should stop defending our political side and start defending “the hope that is in” us…  Jesus!

I leave you with a challenge: to post at least one Jesus glorifying thing a week on your Social Media page. I am not a daily poster, but I am challenging myself as well. I want to express more of the awesome things God is doing in and for me and my family, and in and for my country.  I want the world to know that in my life, Jesus trumps politics, that Jesus trumps Trump, because Jesus trumps all!

Okay, it’s time. It’s time to be honest; to tell you a story. A not so pretty story, but a real life story.

I recently had a dream in the midst of our 2^nd miscarriage this year, and combined with the heartache so many friends and family members are experiencing right now, it brought me here: where my heart is ready to share, and where I hope our struggles can help you.

I’m entirely uncertain where to start though.

Let’s see…

The first year Eric and I were married, we rented a little apartment in a not so nice area of Tacoma – we thought we were so smart (and we really were for barely having entered our twenties). We both worked and saved money all that year, hoping to buy a home, and then planning to start a family. We had qualified for a loan amount that we knew we couldn’t maintain if I wanted to stay home with future little ones, so we purchased a home with a much smaller mortgage that we could still afford without my income. The week before our first anniversary, we signed escrow papers on a sweet little house on the border of Sumner, Edgewood, and Puyallup. It was perfect. We had life figured out; planned.

We had a few babies, paid our mortgage every month, started a business. Life wasn’t easy, but it was good.

Then life got real.

As long as we’re being honest here, let’s admit the fact that the first few years of owning a business really sucks. And that’s as long as our business lasted; we could only handle a few years of making no money. Eric went to work with the Carpenter’s Union, but when the economy crashed he was laid off and struggled to find work for nearly two years.

It was stressful to say the least.

Disconnected power – check!

Vehicle repossesion – been there.

Struggle to put food on the table – done it.

Constant creditor harassment – I don’t like these memories.

The humiliation of finally enrolling in the “Food Stamps” program – I’ve officially said too much.

Add an alcohol addiction to the already hopeless mix for good measure!

I felt like we had no future. Didn’t know if our marriage could withstand the storm. And it didn’t feel like just a season, it felt like we were stuck there forever.

My husband was miserable. He hated not working, not being able to provide for his family. He ended up taking a job that actually paid less than his Unemployment Benefits, because he just needed to work. I worked a temporary position with the Census Bureau, and we spent a year trying our hardest to pay off as much debt leftover from the business years as possible, and doing everything humanly possible to save the house.

We moved back to my hometown, into my parent’s rec-room in hopes of renting the house out in order to save it. But in distancing ourselves from it, we realized that it wasn’t worth killing ourselves and our marriage over. We still loved each other, our kids were happy and healthy – we could let go of the home we owned for over 8 years and restart our financial lives over again.

It was a weight of relief to let it go, and yet still carried so much guilt and shame. And from being in financial distress for so many years, I found myself consumed with fear and anxiety over finances and our future. It gripped my heart and thoughts. It affected my marriage, and children.

We were bankrupt in so many ways.

It’s been 5 years since we “lost” the house, and through a long season of healing and forgiveness, I found freedom from that spirit of fear. Lots of positive changes have taken place in our family since that time, contributing to that freedom – mostly my husband leading our home in such a beautiful way into a deeper relationship with Jesus.

This year has been a struggle, I won’t lie. We’ve been looking for a home closer to Orting for a year now, and have been unsuccessful at finding anything affordable on a part-time Minister’s salary. We miscarried in January, and that hurt, but there was a lot of peace in the midst of it.

We tried again, and found out we were expecting at the end of April. I literally felt like I was carrying the promises of God with this “Rainbow Baby.” (A Rainbow baby is a baby born after the loss of another baby). I was discouraged with our housing situation, but still held onto the significance of what the child growing in my womb represented: God’s promises.

We miscarried again about 5 weeks ago, and I found myself in a pit of emotional anxiety and fear that threatened to consume me yet again.

I wanted to hide from the world.

To wallow in my heartache, depression and disappointment.

I didn’t want to hear any positive encouragement.

Because,

I felt abandoned.

I started to question.

Was this Ministry thing even worth it?

Would we ever be able to own another home?

It felt like God’s promises died along with the baby.

I wondered why God wasn’t speaking to me, making himself known like he did the last time.

But.

Everyday, I told him, “I don’t know where you are. I don’t understand why. And even though I don’t really feel like it, I’m choosing to bring you a sacrifice of praise. And it is a sacrifice – this hurts. I’m choosing to worship you anyway.”

And then he came to me, in a dream.

I woke up, my chest tight and heart heavy with anxiety. Immediately, I reached for Eric’s hand, and he woke up.

“I just had a dream,” I said.

I knew it was a spiritual dream that meant something, but I didn’t know what yet.

He held my hand and listened as I recounted the details of the dream:

I was married. As dreams go, I couldn’t necessarily say the man I was married to was Eric. We were home, and it was dark. I had just put kids to bed, and had accidentally forgot to completely close and lock the back door. A man was looking in the windows and creeping around outside the house; I had apparently had an intimate relationship with this man before I met and married my husband. He found the open/unlocked door, and came in. In front of my husband, he recounts our previous intimacy and claims that we have been intimate more recently. He is attempting to accuse and manipulate me back into a twisted relationship with him. I am wrecked, and terrified that I might lose everything that actually matters to me because of these accusations. But my husband sees and understands the truth that this was in my past, and kicks the guy out of our house. The dream is over.

The meaning of the dream revealed itself simultaneously as I conveyed it’s details to Eric.

My husband represented God. The creeper represented the Enemy, the Accuser, that Spirit of Fear and Anxiety that felt so comfortable and yet so miserable at the same time. Talk about an abusive relationship! The Enemy was attempting to use our current discouraging and painful life circumstances (the dark night) to “romance” and manipulate me back into a relationship with Fear and Anxiety. He was, and is, creeping around looking for doors in our lives that we haven’t been diligent in closing and locking, so that he can make an entrance to accuse and bring up the past in an attempt to rob us of a relationship with God; to steal the health of our marriages; to destroy the hope in our children.

BUT!

We have a God, who sees through those lies and accusations. He is Truth itself. He is Love. He forgives freely. He’s a protective husband.

The enemy is getting kicked out!

Eric and I discussed the meaning, and prayed together. Went back to sleep holding hands. And since that night there’s been a settling in our hearts about the storm that seems to be raging all around us.

We all have hard life circumstances that the enemy wants to use against us.

I will not go back to living in fear.

I will walk in the freedom he paid the price for on that cross.

I do have a hope and a future.

The name we had for our heavenly little one this time was Kinsman Orting. There’s a beautiful story in the Bible, the book of Ruth – so much loss, and pain. And incredible redemption by the Kinsman (closest relative) Redeemer who represents Christ in this story. Our heart with this name was that we LOVE the city of Orting – we are family with this town, we are kinsman. And we are praying for it’s redemption. Believing that Jesus will redeem the broken-hearted. That he will redeem the struggling marriages and families. And that those consumed with addictions will be redeemed!

God’s promises are alive and active; growing within me – growing within the city of Orting; kicking and squirming like an unborn child awaiting it’s day of birth.

And I believe the labor pains have begun.

 

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

If you are the Sun,

my life revolves around you.

 

My orbit would not be Pluto’s.

I would not be the bathing beauty of Saturn.

I do not wish the Blue Splendor

or the Great Dark Spot of Neptune,

nor the flawless turquoise of Uranus.

 

I want to be closer.

Closer than Jupiter or Mars.

I want to be Mercury,

but with the clouds of Venus,

and the greenhouse of Earth.

 

I want Venus’ reputation —

wherever I’m seen, I’m close to you –

whenever I’m seen, I reflect your light.

 

I want Earth’s life —

booming with breath, movement,

creativity and color —

all the proper ingredients for life,

but dependent on you.

 

I want Mercury’s Perihelion,

but an ellipse with no Aphelion.

You are my one and only focus.

 

You are the Son,

and my life revolves around you.

I have a thing for names… I’ve been thinking about names since I myself was a young girl. I remember in grade school really, really wishing my name was Jessica! Thinking back, I’m positive that Anne of Green Gables had something to do with that  Lady Cordelia wasn’t quite the style in the 80’s, but Jessica was ever such a beautiful, sophisticated, and popular name! No one had the name Naomi; no one that I had met, anyhow.

As I grew up, I learned to love my name for it’s meaning and uniqueness. In reading Bible stories of Angelic visitation and Holy Spirit inspired naming of certain anticipated babies, and the re-naming of some who needed an identity change and purpose, I became ever obsessed with the significance of a name. Around my 18^th birthday, my cousin Sarah bought me a book called “Who’s Who in the Bible,” which contains every name listed in the Bible, and tells the meaning (if known) of each name, and a little synopsis of who they were. She knew I loved names! (Confession: I can’t sit through a sermon in church without hearing a word, and thinking it could be an awesome name.)

As you may know, my husband and I have six children. If you know them, you know that their names are not particularly normal. You know why? God named them, all six.

In December, we found out that we were expecting our seventh child! We were totally surprised, and extremely excited! Within two days of finding out, we had a name for the baby. But first, I want to tell you the story behind all the other kid’s names…

Our firstborn son has the most “normal” name of all the kids, and it fits him well. We purposely didn’t find out the gender of the baby during his pregnancy, but had names picked out for both boy and girl. I remember, however, being very unsettled on the girl’s name we had as the time drew nearer for his birth. It just didn’t seem right. Dower is a family last name on my husband’s side of the family – a great, great grandfather named John Dower. At least one descendant in each generation after him bears his last name as a middle name. It’s an English surname that is related to the word “dowry.” This is something of value, a gift, estate, sustenance, and/or treasure. Elijah means “Yahweh is my God.” So his name means, “Yahweh is my God and treasure – my sustenance, and where my life finds value.” Elijah Dower.

Our next son was named as my husband and I, and 6 month old Elijah, drove through the Redwood forest on our way home. We weren’t even positive I was pregnant yet! His name is Cedar Torres. Cedar is a strong, durable, weather resistant wood. The Bible talks about the Cedars of Lebanon, and I can only imagine how majestic they must have been to be used in the construction of possibly the most expensive building project in history – the building of God’s House; the Temple.  Torres is my maiden name, and it means “Towers” in Spanish. We believe that with this name, he is called to be a “Strong Tower of refuge that will resist decay in life’s weathering, and will be used to build God’s church.”

Legacy Grace was named a year before she was even conceived. Like Cedar, there was never a name during the pregnancy for the opposite gender. Her name reflects Eric and I’s desire to have our family Legacy be of God’s Grace. It’s his love and unmerited favor that we want to pass on as a strong Legacy to our children, their children and the people around us. She is called to be a living Legacy of that mind-boggling characteristic and gift of God.

Our next daughter was named before we found out her gender, and again, there was no boy name. The name God gave us this time was Harmony Reign. She is called to bring peace, and unity, and to live in such a way that compliments others and makes the Melody sound better. Musically, although harmony is not the “lead” part, it adds depth, humility, and fullness to a song that would be rather plain and boring with just the melody. May a spirit of unity and building others up Reign in and through this girl!

In 2010, a very dear friend, who was instrumental in my husband’s salvation, was tragically killed. Her name was Jennifer Paulson. I remember the month of her death, Eric and I decided that if we had another child, she would either have Jennifer as a middle name for a girl, or he would have Paulson as a middle name for a boy. That same year, the Texas Rangers were playing in the World Series (my husband is a baseball crazy-man!).  I remember watching the games on T.V. and listening to the announcers call one of the pitchers by his last name, Feliz.  I had always wanted to have a Spanish named child, but my husband’s Spanish accent abilities were lacking, and I didn’t think it would be right to have a son or daughter whose name their own father couldn’t pronounce!  Feliz was easy though, he could say that!  And it went so well with our other daughter’s “words for names” names.  So we were set with Feliz Jennifer before we were pregnant with her as well.  I had a boy name that I liked, but Eric didn’t, and he had one that I didn’t like – so going with God’s previous pattern, we didn’t end up having to worry about that because we had a girl!  Feliz means “happy” in Spanish, and is often used in celebration greetings like, “Feliz Navidad.” (Which most people can’t help but sing when they meet her!)  Jennifer means a “pure white wave.” So her name is significant of a joy/happiness that comes like a wave washing over heartbreak and bringing purity to polluted souls – that’s something to celebrate!!

It was after Feliz that I realized the pattern of God’s faithfulness in giving us a name, and then the child for that name. Eric thought we were done having kids, but one day I told him that I loved the idea of Ransom as a name. His response? “Oh man, that would look really good on a wrestling bracket!” Haha!  Then, “If you could guarantee me a boy, I’d go for it.”

To which I replied, “Based on God’s track record, I think HE is guaranteeing us a boy, since he’s given us a name!  And I think His guarantee is better than mine.”  Lo and behold, we had a son the next year!  His name is Ransom Webster.  “Ransom” comes from the scripture in Matthew 20:28, where Jesus says that he came “to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Webster is the last name of my Grandparents who pastored for nearly 40 years in the same small community we do now.  They poured their lives into their family and town, to help those find freedom in Jesus!  So Ransom’s name is a prayer, a promise, and a prophecy – that those “many” in our family and community and world who are held captive to addictions, depression, or the outrageous lies of the enemy, will LIVE in the Freedom that Christ paid the price for, when he gave his life as the ransom.

Once again, my husband “thought” we were done.  I was starting to believe him too, until mid December when I was late to start my period.  We took a pregnancy test, and the results were questionable.  So I took another one 3 days later, and it was positive!  We were shocked, but totally thrilled, and as I said earlier, had a name for the baby within a few days of finding out.

My daughter Harmony had gotten this cute little teddy bear that fit in the palm of her hand from a friend, and since it was so close to Christmas, she named it, “Spirit of Christmas!” A few days later, she found it in our van, and asked, “What did I name this teddy bear again? I forgot.”

“Spirit of Christmas,” I replied.

“Oh, that’s right!” she said. “But I’m going to call him ‘Spirit’ for short.”

My heart quickened.  I knew that was the name of the baby I was carrying!  I texted my husband that day, “Spirit – baby name?”  And he was totally on board.  Boy or girl, Spirit was the name!

We told the kids on Christmas Day that we were expecting another sibling for them, and their reactions will go down in history as one of my best memories!  Elijah told me multiple times throughout the day that he nearly cried, and then would just yell out at the top of his lungs at random times, “MY MOM IS PREGNAAAAANT!!!”  Harmony then and in the coming month would talk to Spirit, and told me that she couldn’t wait to hold the baby, because holding a baby is like “feeling God.”  The others were ecstatic as well – we were going to have our first summer baby!

January 27th, I miscarried. And it was hard. Emotionally, and physically very painful. We were all heartbroken.

But the name.

The name God gave us for this baby.  Spirit.  Now a spirit baby.

I can’t tell you how comforting it has been over the course of the last few months to KNOW that God sees us, he sees me; that he knows and sees from beginning to the end, not just today; that he loves and cares enough about my human life to speak to me; and that he is holding my baby Spirit and caring for her better than I could.

He is holding me as well.  Close to his heart, and I feel peace.  I feel loved.  His presence is the sweetest gift – even in the midst of life’s heartaches.

May you find peace today in knowing that God sees you too – and he loves you.  He knows your name.

Needed

Honey suckle

a liquid love

So raw, so pure, and whole

Find sweet nourishment

for your body, mind, and soul

 

Skin to skin

eye to eye,

know that I would give my life

This body bears the scars to prove

you grew within my heart and womb

 

Bees can’t make anything so sweet

as the tiny little toes on your feet

I’m a student of your very being

Unashamed love

I am guaranteeing

 

I hold you close

Breathe in deeply

I need you to need me

Created for each other

God made me your mother

 

Bittersweet

the Growing stages

filling the pages

of my life

 

Your words unformed

are towers of joy and grace

You memorize my face

as I’m mesmerized by yours

 

Divine addiction

to this pure romance

Pain killing medication

inhale your innocence

 

Rocking, dancing, swaying

an orchestra of hearts is playing

Singing in harmony

a living legacy

 

I hold you close

Breathe in deeply

I love that you need me

Created for each other

God made me your mother

 

Like Robin Hood

doing so much good

A welcomed thief

tenderly pillaging

time, body, sleep and thoughts

A treasure sought

and found

Worth every tear and pound

 

Each breath and beat

and your body heat

are stacks of evidence

that providence

freely gives

the highest valued gifts

 

I hold you close

breathe in deeply

I know you still need me

Created for eachother

God made me your mother

 

The world obsessed

in a high speed chase

I confess

You inspire me

to slow down the pace

 

To live simple,

love longer

to plant a garden

weed and water

and to feed souls that hunger

 

I hold you close

breathe in deeply,

I need you to need me

Created for each other

God made me your mother

 

And when you’re all grown

have a babe of your own

I’ll still sing this song

 

I hold you close

Breathe in deeply,

I need you to need me

Created for eachother

God made me your Grand-mother